Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

#inspiration #foodforthought

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )

Left at a local drug store…

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.