When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

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[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time


Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers


As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.


Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?


Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty


One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?


[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?


When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…


Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool