When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
You Might Also Like
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Kids: Stay in school.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me: