When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
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i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”