Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

The Weeknd is back

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….