Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

courtroom exchange of the day

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.