When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
That’s classic.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon