doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.