@itsa_talia

when i end emails with

best,
talia

it is not abbreviated well-wishes, but letting you know that i am the best talia.

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@Sickayduh

“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”

– Well, actually the airport is real close by

“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”

@TheCamelToe_

I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.

@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@krisv_723

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@FunnyBison

ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”

@imajithnair

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

@Lufty

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled