when i end emails with


it is not abbreviated well-wishes, but letting you know that i am the best talia.

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“Oooh look! Is that a comet?”

– Well, actually the airport is real close by

“Oh ok. Good idea. I’ll call them and ask”


I don’t care about all the nasty stuff people put on here about Nicki Minaj.

I’ll still suck her c**k anytime.


[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.


Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.


ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”


If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!


My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled