When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though