When I face a minor setback
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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank