Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.

I guess that means no one came.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.