When I face a minor setback
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.