When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: I was raised in a working-class family…
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?