When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
😅😅😅
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
…..pretty much.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
So sorry
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
crying
The Book. The Movie.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
