Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

My funeral

My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Dumple