When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
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My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker