When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Challenge accepted.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.