Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Milk Cube

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

I put the h in mysterious.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me