When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
mandolin: finally a violin for men
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
#Caturday
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Botany good plants lately?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
the icebreaker
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake