Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.