When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.