Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs