When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
