When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
meanwhile over on facebook
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.