when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.