when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE