when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.