when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
You Might Also Like
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”