When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Thank you corporation very cool
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!