When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
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Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs