When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’