When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
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Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Hoping to spice up my evening
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on