When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
You Might Also Like
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: how are you
Friday: good
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
That earthquake could have been an email.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim