When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.