When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
best review i’ve ever seen
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
#Caturday
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.