When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
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me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?