Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm