When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Potatoes were such a good idea
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?