When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
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Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.