Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.