When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.