When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
It was worth a shot 😂
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends