When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years