When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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I didn’t know they can drive…
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Don’t tell me what to do
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
