When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

You Might Also Like


I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them


I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.


[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”


My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.


If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.


The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.


What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?


If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.