Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
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I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.