@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

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@MrMichaelRose

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

@TheBoydP

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

@AndyAsAdjective

The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.

@KentWGraham

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

@SteveDutzy

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@leshnevsky

Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.