12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I like long walks away from everyone
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back