Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.

I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.