Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

peeping toms

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

Safety first

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.