Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?