Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
O Wise One….
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Milk Cube
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound: