When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
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I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…