Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

Natural selection at its finest

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

My birth announcement for our third baby

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I am never leaving this website

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.