When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.