When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”