When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.