Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This story is comedy gold 😂

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.