When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.