When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?