When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
A new level of troll.