When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
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Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
How do you like your Corgi?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.