Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.