When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
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the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Only Americans understand
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
