When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
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Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.