When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The answer is funnier than the question
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor