Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

Is your wife single?

This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous

Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!