When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I need to sieze this.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO