When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton