When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
when mom throws a party…
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.