When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.