Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

me irl

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.