When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”