When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.
The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.
Don’t touch me.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder