When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.