When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
What’s so funny?
Why is everyone getting married at me
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime