When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.