Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

My dating profile:

Already got one

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker