Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

…..pretty much.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.