When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
You Might Also Like
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets