Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.