Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!